Sibling Rivalry, Same School Edition: Comparisons, Teachers and Separate Identities

Why does sibling rivalry get worse in the same school?

At home, each child has their corner. At school, everything is visible. The older one's reputation (good or bad) walks in ahead of the younger one. Teachers, staff and other children may remember the first sibling and compare out loud, often meaning well. The older one may feel watched in their own space, or responsible for a little brother who cries at the gate. Both of them feel measured.

Paediatrician Shelly Vaziri Flais, writing for the American Academy of Pediatrics about raising twins as individuals, describes being asked about her twin sons, "Which one is the good one?" She points out that questions like this imply each child is defined as the opposite of the other, and that everybody, twin or not, wants to be treated as an individual. Siblings in the same school hear versions of that question all the time.

How do I stop teachers comparing my children?

You usually do not need a complaint. You need a conversation. The AAP's guide to the parent-teacher conference reminds parents that they are in a partnership with the teacher, and that they are the expert on their child, with information worth sharing. Use it. At the next meeting, talk about this child only: what they love, what they find hard, what makes them light up. Ask the AAP's own question: what are my child's strengths and interests, and are they being nurtured?

If a comparison has upset your child, it is fair to mention it gently: "She has been told a few times that her brother was good at maths, and it is getting to her." Teachers can only change what they know about, and most comparisons are not meant to hurt.

Talk to the teacher about this child only. Not as anyone's little sister. Just her.

How can each sibling have their own identity at school?

Small, visible differences can help:

• Their own things. Different colours or designs for bags, bottles and tiffins, so nobody is "the small version" of anyone.
• Their own activities. If one does chess club, let the other choose something else if they want to.
• Their own stories. Ask each child about their day separately, not as a pair in the car.
• Their own pace. Do not hand down an older child's notebooks with "this is how Didi did it" written all over them.

How do I label things for twins or siblings?

Give each child a design or colour that is completely theirs, and put the name on everything, not just the initial. Same-school siblings often have identical uniforms, identical sweaters and nearly identical bottles, and a shared surname does not help a teacher sort them. A blue set for one and a yellow set for the other means no morning fights over whose bottle is whose, and no lost-property mix-ups. Our post on stopping school bags getting lost or mixed up has more on this.

What can parents do at home to reduce rivalry?

The AAP's page on helping siblings build healthy bonds has two ideas that fit the same-school situation well. First, create one-on-one time with each child, even inside daily routines like a bedtime chat or a walk. Second, when fights need you, step in as a calm, neutral party and listen fairly before deciding anything.

The same page warns against always giving in to the younger or less mature child because the older one "understands", which can create resentment. In the same-school version, that often looks like the older child being told to wait for, carry for, or give up things for the younger one every day. Share the load where you can.

Almost missed this On report-card day, open each folder separately, in private, with just that child. Two results read side by side at the dining table become a comparison, even if nobody says a word.

How we can help

We cannot stop siblings squabbling in the van, but we can make sure nobody is fighting over whose bottle it is. Our name labels come in lots of designs, so each child can pick their own, and our lunch box and bottle combos make it easy to give each one a set in their own colour. Be gentle with yourself too. Raising two very different children in one school is a lot of quiet work, and it shows.